Don't you just hate it when you're trying to make out and there's a dog panting at your feet? Woof!
Adam and Jon are touring a show. A gay romance, come to think, that Adam wrote without realizing he'd have to deal with an acting partner who keeps trying to make it happen in real life. If that's not bad enough... a group of frustrated writers (not to mention the Wednesday Mah Jongg club) keep workshopping the play and our poor actors never know what's in the script from one show to the next.
Oh, and then there's... Woody. You know, that "hot" stage hand who took up a career in theater so he could sleep with touring actors. He's had his way with Jon and Adam... so they like each other to think. Poor Woody, he meets his demise more often than Kenny in South Park. What happens when he goes to an Annie cast party? It's too scary to mention.
Can they ever transfer the onstage love to back stage... even if there's a clause in the contract that forbids it? It's an unusual play with dry humor, a bit of a vaudeville style, and some great fun.
This is a two-man one-act play; as written Jon plays piano and Adam sings, alterations can be made if necessary. The writer has songs available, or you can use your own! Easy!
Dialogue sample follows, all rights reserved:
Woof! The Road Show
© 2005 Jerry Rabushka
P.O. Box 221012
St. Louis, MO 63122
CHARACTERS:
ADAM and JON, two men involved in the tour of a gay romantic comedy.
SCENE 1: Woof
JON
(addressing the audience) He was like a dog in search of a fire hydrant.
ADAM
Woof.
JON
Didn’t really have any direction. Just trotting down the street looking for a place to mark his territory, then move on.
ADAM
Woof, again.
JON
Finally I realized if I was ever going to get his attention, I’d have to be a fire hydrant too. And a darned pretty one at that.
ADAM
You realize if I think you’re a hydrant I have to pee on you.
JON
I’ve been shit on before. This will probably be a relief.
ADAM
I have, too. That’s why I want to be alpha dog.
JON
Who are you? You’re new here. And I’m stricken with desire. (more to himself) Lucky me. (to ADAM, extending a hand) I’m Jon. No H.
ADAM
I’m Adam. No Eve.
JON
I’m stricken.
ADAM
Stricken.
JON
With desire… yeah.
ADAM
No wonder you’re always peed on.
JON
I am so not into that.
ADAM
I can’t commit to a fire hydrant. That’s why I like them. You do your stuff but they don’t chase after you.
JON
I could be painted. Like a hydrant in a neighborhood spruce-up project. I tried that. Pierced, painted, the haircut, the makeup you can’t see. I felt like I was 15.
ADAM
You act like you’re 15.
JON
I have to. It’s the only way you can relate. (to audience) I was in love with a guy named Woody. He’s back there on stage crew, actually.
ADAM
(to audience) I’m seeing Woody behind his back.
JON
(to audience) Everybody sees Woody. That’s why we hired him.
ADAM
(to JON) Look – you either sleep with me or do the show. You can’t have both. I have standards.
JON
(to audience) You wanna watch us sleep together, or see us do a show? (waits for a response) See? I’m doing this for them. (approaches ADAM affectionately)
ADAM
(ADAM hands JON a contract) Not allowed, per item 10.
JON
I’m stuck with this damn contract. You’re just lucky Woody isn’t in the union. (to audience) I met Adam at the casting call. (as director) NEXT!
ADAM
Woof!
JON
Cool, you’re hired. You busy after rehearsal?
ADAM
Always.
JON
Stricken.
ADAM
With desire?
JON
You should be stricken.
ADAM
I’m not ready to settle down. I just want a chance to perform.
JON
It’s a love story. This play, that is.
ADAM
I know.
JON
I’m going to kiss you.
ADAM
That’s your problem.
JON
Right now you’re my fire hydrant.
ADAM
There’s a law about fire hydrants. You can’t park in front of them.
JON
You can only whizz by. And occasionally uncork them.
ADAM
(gets a couple scripts) Page one.
JON
I never start with page one. Nothing ever happens on page one. Character intro. Grab the audience? Good luck.
ADAM
Two, then.
JON
Nineteen.
ADAM
Nineteen?
JON
Nineteen.
ADAM
There’s a kiss on nineteen.
JON
Let’s get it out of the way.
ADAM
I never kiss at the first rehearsal.
JON
Or on the first date? You’ll never get that far with that attitude.
ADAM
We’ll never have a first date.
JON
(to audience) Woody only got into theatre so he could be a cog in everyone else’s relationship.
ADAM
(to audience) We think he has every social disease imaginable.
JON
That’s rude!
ADAM
It’s true! The after-love that dare not speak its name.
JON
We must be the only society where we’re expected to go blind, smiling, and naked into an activity that can kill you.
ADAM
You sure you’re not infected?
JON
I’m positive.
ADAM
I used protection.
JON
(points to his heart) Protect this.
ADAM
Then cut page nineteen. You’re not mature enough to handle it.
JON
I can’t cut it. I didn’t write it. (looks again) You wrote it. No wonder you got the part.
ADAM
I did ten drafts. Then it got workshopped to death behind my back. “We all think you have to change this!” Et tu, Brute! I certainly didn’t slip a kiss in there hoping it would be you. Love me at your own peril. You can never have me. We’re purely professional, per item 10.
JON
Woody.
ADAM
We’re not serious. How did you know about Woody?
JON
Everybody knows about Woody, with everyone.
ADAM
So, we have the pancake scene, the dog catcher scene…
JON
Dog catcher is first. (flips through the script) Page 19.
ADAM
There’s that kiss
JON
I know. We gotta rehearse it sometime.
ADAM
How can I kiss you. We haven’t even run the lines!
JON
Dive in?
ADAM
There’s no water.
JON
Swim in this. (they kiss) Like a dog
