It’s a small town, starved for skin and scandal. But nobody wants to see the new play at the New Globe - not when they can go to The Sound Of Music for the 49th time. Besides, who wants to see a play without nudity? Nobody, apparently! When Conrad, the leading man, spreads a rumor that this show’s going to bare it all, ticket sales soar and the town comes alive with a host of unforgettable characters, all on a mission of their own.
Why is the girl at the box office more interested in keeping people out than letting them in?
Find fault along with the critic! Protest along with the preacher! Is nudity just part of the liberal agenda?
Shelly, the leading lady, doesn’t have time to be a diva, what with everyone wanting to see her “South Carolina.”
Her brother has a secret crush on....could it be Conrad? Her own boyfriend can’t bear to watch her in a stage kiss, and Camilla, the writer/director, is far too in love with her own prose.
So while Conrad started the rumor about Shelly, he finds she’s planted a few seeds about him as well. She just might take her clothes off, if Conrad will finally go out with her brother! When the curtain rises, will the drama be on stage, back stage, or just drowned out by an uninhibited audience? All this, plus a striptease like you’ve never seen before!
Can’t wait for the review? Don’t worry, it’s already been written.
ACT ONE: SCENE 4
SHELLY and CONRAD taking a break at rehearsal. They pull up a couple chairs that are lying around.
SHELLY
I can’t sell any tickets to this thing.
CONRAD
Maybe if you’d stop saying (imitating her all too well) “I have to sell tickets to this stupid play I’m in!” people might shell out, Shelly.
SHELLY
Have you?
CONRAD
Oh yeah. I put New Globe on the map. I’ve sold about a hundred and fifty!
SHELLY
A hundred and fifty! We got less than that our whole last season. (bitter) They all wanted to see musicals.
CONRAD
Yeah. I found a way to reach into the hearts of the people.
SHELLY
How?
CONRAD
(leading her into something) We’re giving them what they want.
SHELLY
Really? What they want is something they’ve seen 100 times before. I’m afraid this play’s going to be a stinker. I know Camilla means well, but… (still can’t believe it) a hundred and fifty?
CONRAD
That’s just for opening night. The fire marshal’s gonna shit! It was kind of a focus group thing. I found out what the public wanted, and I told them they could have it. (he steps away a bit, and offers a passerby a ticket and a flyer) Would you like to come see our new play? World premiere at the New Globe!
PATRON
(takes a look at the flyer, hands it back unimpressed) Is there any nudity in it?
CONRAD
Uh… no. (following the patron) But it’s a world premiere.
PATRON
So? You can’t have nudity in a world premiere. Feh! I want to see some nudity.
CONRAD
Nudity shmudity. (PATRON starts to walk away, CONRAD chases after) We’ve got drama! We’ve got emotion! We’ve got the human condition.
PATRON
So you can’t do the human condition with some nudity? Feh! (pushes CONRAD off, exit, a woman talking on a cell phone comes along)
CONRAD
(a little more intense this time) Would you like to come see our new play? World premiere at the New Globe.
CALLER
(into the phone) Excuse me. (puts the phone down) Is there any nudity in it?
CONRAD
Well… no. But it’s a world-
CALLER
(into the phone) He wants us to see a show with no nudity! (caller, unheard, asks who it is) I don’t know. Some shumck. (to CONRAD) I only see shows with nudity in it.
CONRAD
In this town? We’ve never had nudity. (reconsiders) Once I rolled up my sleeve.
CALLER
Yeah? Well that’s why I’ve never been to a show in this dive. Chicago, they have nudity. New York? Nudity! Los Angeles. Nothing but nudity. You think it ain’t gonna happen, but dagnabbit, they deliver. (getting uncomfortably close to CONRAD) They get ya! They make you sit through the whole show before. You get the nudity in act one, we leave at intermission. (reminiscing) Ah, Los Angeles! (annoyed) All we get here is drama! Emotion! The human condition! Feh! Who needs it? My daughter, what she puts me though! I need the same thing at the theater? (with broad hand gestures) You show me a good piece of ass, now that’s entertainment. (exit, and an OLD MAN enters slowly)
CONRAD
(frustrated, talking a bit louder so the OLD MAN can hear) Would you like to by a ticket… (realizes he has to speak up) Would you like to buy a ticket to our show? World premiere at the New Globe.
OLD MAN
(drooling and disgusting) Is there any nudity in it?
CONRAD
(to SHELLY) And then I finally figured it out! (to OLD MAN) Yes! Tons of it! (in OLD MAN’s ear, who smiles big) You want nudity?
OLD MAN
Oh, yes! I want nudity!
CONRAD
You got nudity!
OLD MAN
I love nudity! (he pulls out some money, buys a ticket, clicks his heels if possible, and runs off a lot faster than he came in.)
CONRAD
(talks to SHELLY but still selling tickets) And suddenly… (folks flock around him, buying tickets, ad libbing.. “I’ll take three! Four! Five!” and they start pulling off CONRAD’s clothes, as an ANNOUNCER, a dignified man in his mid fifties or so, comes up to the other side of the stage.)
ANNOUNCER
(enters to the side and to the audience) So, if you want to continue to see quality programming like this…
CALLER
(holding up CONRAD’s shirt) We do!
ANNOUNCER
We can’t continue to give you quality programming like this.
EVERYONE
(in unison) Awww…
ANNOUNCER
Without your help!
EVERYONE
(unison) Ohhhhhhhh? (CONRAD grabs his shirt while they’re looking at the announcer, runs off, but they follow him)
ANNOUNCER
So, if you want to keep receiving this level of performance, be generous. Show your support for the arts. Donate at intermission. Or we just might not come back.
CONRAD walks back to SHELLY, wearing a trenchcoat, others walk briefly on stage as if they’re on the street, carrying pieces of CONRAD’s last costume.)
PATRON
Finally. Cutting edge theater!
OLD MAN
I’ve been waiting to see that pair of zonkers for years!
CALLER
(on a cell phone) Honey? It’s ok. We don’t have to move back to Los Angeles after all!
SHELLY
(to CONRAD, astounded) You didn’t.
CONRAD
I did! And I’m sitting on over 1,200 dollars. Guess who gets the lead in the next three shows at New Globe?
SHELLY
That’s not how it works.
CONRAD
It is after $1,200. Besides, I’m the best actor in town.
SHELLY
Whatever. I was a replacement for Lana Thompson.
CONRAD
Oh, she’ll be back opening night demanding to get on stage. You just watch.
SHELLY
(walks around a bit, trying to digest this) Sooooooooooo… nudity.
CONRAD
(walks around a bit as well) Nudity.
SHELLY
Nudity.
CONRAD
Yes, nudity. You seem unfamiliar with the concept.
SHELLY
In this town?
CONRAD
Obviously there’s a pent up demand. See? We’ve been staid! Stoic! Conservative! Boring! We can’t pay people to sit in our chairs!
SHELLY
Our chairs are wood! With staples.
CONRAD
Poppycock! Our chairs are the vehicle for transmission of the reinterpretation of the human experience! (picking up steam) Our chairs are a means to transport our audience to a world they’ve never seen before! (catches up to SHELLY) And finally! Finally, in its 525th season, the New Globe Theater will present to its audience (he takes off something with every word, it looks like he’s exposing himself to her at the end, although we can’t see it) Full! Frontal! (pulls open the trenchcoat) Nudity!
SHELLY
(she looks at him, aghast, and finally says after a pause) 525th season?
CONRAD
(like everyone understands the concept) Yeah! We’re the New Globe! Appropriated from Shakespeare. Founded 15 or 16 hundred. So yeah! 525 years of tradition flouted and flaunted, finally!
SHELLY
(Looks again) Will you cover that up??
CONRAD
(just a tad embarrassed) Oh. Sorry. But yeah. We took on their name so we could take on their history. We’re the folks that produced Hamlet, Julius Caesar, and Romeo & Juliet. So Felice’s Engagement isn’t our first world premiere.
SHELLY
And you think this is going to be a big deal because you told them you were going to be naked.
CONRAD
I didn’t.
SHELLY
You didn’t?
CONRAD
I told them you were.
