If cheating was this much fun...even more of us would do it! Things get really cold for Cody when he slowly realizes that Bailey, his lover of 7 years, has an unusual fascination with actress Rula Lenska, the 70s goddess of VO5 shampoo commercials. Worse yet, he shares it with an ex. Things heat up when Bailey's ex Arthur pops over for dinner with his new flame Sean, a slutty Irishman who finds Cody all too delicious.
To make matters worse, Bailey and Cody haven't...in ages. Sean and Arthur are all too ready to discuss their latest sexual exploits - in all too gruesome detail, over dinner. Bailey still carries a torch for his ex of ten years, and Cody thinks Sean's a sleazebag, but he might just be ready for someone who's more interested in him than in Rula...
But Sean and Cody together... alone... and a lot more than sparks start to fly!
4 men, single set
Dialogue sample: all right reserved
Act 1
Scene 1
In Bailey & Cody’s living room, Anchorage, Alaska, sometime in February. The place can be decorated as you wish; bear in mind this is a couple of middle class guys who have lived together for seven years. It would be nice if there was a staircase leading up to a second floor, but if this isn't possible, that’s okay, too. There needs to be a calendar on the wall in a prominent location, and, in Act 2 at least, a TV. One way to set up the room would be to have a chair on the (audiences’) left, a couch in the middle, and a small coffee table in the center of the room, or an end table next to the couch. The front door can be on the far right of the stage. At opening, BAILEY is alone on stage, reading a paper or otherwise occupying himself.
CODY
(enters from the interior of the house, or comes down the stairs) Okay, Bailey, we’re ready. I got the bedroom all cleaned up.
BAILEY
They won’t be going into the bedroom.
CODY
That’s what we thought the last time we had a couple of guys over.
BAILEY
I know. And they didn’t even invite us along. It is so hard to find new friends.
CODY
Who’s Arthur bringing over this time? We go through this every time he starts up a new relationship. I have to spend all day cooking and cleaning just because he’s got a new piece of ass!
BAILEY
What are you complaining about, Cody? It gives you an excuse to tidy up the bedroom.
CODY
I wish I still gave you an excuse to use it. Come on, Bailey, who’s the smut puppy he’s hoisting the pole for now?
BAILEY
Why does it matter? You already don’t like him.
CODY
So his name shouldn’t matter – that is if Arthur bothered to find out.
BAILEY
It’s Sean something.
CODY
Sean Patrick? That’s a bore.
BAILEY
Sean Eric, I think. Something Irish like that. But he’s the real thing. From Dublin, I think.
CODY
Nobody named Sean is the real thing, Bailey. It insinuates a handsome innocence it never quite achieves. (before BAILEY can interrupt) Sean Penn included.
BAILEY
(not terribly seriously) You bigot! You should be ashamed.
CODY
It’s a fact. It’s been one of my maxims of life. Never date a Sean, a Todd, or a Kevin. And over the years I’ve added Bob, Steve, John, Tom, Mike, Tim – oh! and Dorelle. Why do you think I live with you?
BAILEY
Cody, give the guy a chance!
CODY
I might as well. If it’s one of Arthur’s boyfriends, he won’t last long enough for a second dinner.
BAILEY
He’s pretty smart. He just moved here to take a high level engineering position.
CODY
If he’s so damn smart, why did he move to Anchorage in the middle of winter?
BAILEY
I’m sure they’re paying him well.
CODY
I hope so. Unless he came here believing that Alaska he-man mythology. And speaking of mythology, we really should have sex now. I need to go to bed in an hour.
BAILEY
So?
CODY
I thought we’d do it before I’m too tired.
BAILEY
That’s enticing. I’m hard.
CODY
Oh, come on. I’ve tried the Speedo, the candles, and the Enya-fireplace combination, all to no avail. So I thought I’d just ask for it. You know – no game playing, cut to the chase. For most guys, it’s a turn on.
BAILEY
Not for me.
CODY
(not seductive in the slightest) Then why don’t you just do me like I’ve never had it done before and I’ll shut up? (silence; BAILEY isn’t intrigued) I’m not doing this for me. I just thought we should have a couple smarm stories to swap when Arthur and Sean Eric come calling. You know how he gets. “Oh, we had sex on the kitchen table. We just couldn’t wait another minute. He blew me in the car on the way over here. He is so hot.” It’s like looking at pictures of people’s grandchildren when all your kids are prostitutes, crack addicts, or Labrador retrievers. (gets an idea) Hey, hunk boy, why don’t we do it right here?
BAILEY
Really Cody, I thought you just cleaned up.
CODY
Maybe, but a cum stain or two would add a little authenticity to the decor. Besides, (he goes to the calendar). our last time at it was New Year’s Eve. I haven’t been able to make an X all year long.
BAILEY
I was wondering what those were.
CODY
And how hard they were to find.
BAILEY
Well, it sounds like a good idea, but I have a previous engagement.
CODY
(taken aback) With who?
BAILEY
They’re running Rula Lenska on “biography” tonight.
CODY
What?
BAILEY
Rula Lenska. Rula. The goddess!
CODY
I know who she is. But I didn’t realize she had a place in the Pantheon. Wouldn’t you rather get laid?
BAILEY
I’ve always wanted to see how they would cover her on Biography. Just to see if they got it right.
CODY
Wow. A bio of Rula Lenska and they didn’t call you as a consultant. What a bunch of whores.
BAILEY
Do not use whore in the same sentence as Rula! Ever.
CODY
She’s a has been. She was a has been when we first heard of her. Everyone knows she did shampoo commercials, and no one knows why anyone thought we would know who she was when they put her in them in the first place. Do not tell me you’re choosing Rula Lenska over me.
BAILEY
It’s the first time it’s been on. And she is not a has been! She’s still plenty active.
CODY
So tape it. You can watch it in an hour.
BAILEY
I have to see it now. While it’s fresh.
CODY
Oh Ka-rist, Bailey! I’m fresh! Don’t I hold any attraction for you anymore?
BAILEY
It’s not you, Cody. It’s Rula. I want to know all about her! How she lives, what she thinks, what her politics are, how she makes love…
CODY
How she makes love? You, Mr. “gay sex is the only way sex?” You can’t even stand to watch Paul Reiser kiss Helen Hunt!
BAILEY
Helen Hunt is no Rula Lenska.
CODY
No, she’s not. Helen’s hair stays in place naturally. And neither of them are in love with you and want to prove it in the bedroom.
BAILEY
Now you’re trying to shame me into sex.
CODY
Well, I can’t lure you into it. You know, Bruno asked me home the other day. I saw him at The Raven.
BAILEY
What are you doing up at the bar? And he knows you’re with me!
CODY
He also knows we had sex exactly fourteen times last year.
BAILEY
You’ve got a damn big mouth.
CODY
Put something in it. It might keep me quiet.
BAILEY
So are you gonna go home with Bruno?
CODY
No! I’m home with you. But Bruno said I had nice looking hands. At least tonight I’ll have a handsome lover.
BAILEY
Why don’t you just wait till this is over?
CODY
Because I have to get up at four thirty tomorrow morning. Some dildo scheduled a 6:30 a.m. sales meeting in Wasilla.
BAILEY
So I’m supposed to have sex with a clock watcher?
CODY
Would you rather be like Arthur? A new lover every month or two. A new hot man. A new experience. “Oh, we did it on a bed of nails!” Why don’t you just do Arthur and save me the trouble of cooking dinner?
BAILEY
Cody, I still love you. Don’t you know that?
CODY
I don’t like that “still.”
BAILEY
I didn’t mean anything by it.
CODY
Still means, “even though you’re fat and your hair is gray, I love you out of habit.”
BAILEY
You are not fat and gray.
CODY
Maybe. But you’re sure out of the habit. Now I don’t even stack up to Rula Lenska. (short pause) Bruno thinks I do.
BAILEY
Bruno’s desperate.
CODY
Fuck you. I was flattered. At least I wasn’t the last person he asked.
BAILEY
I’m gonna sock him next time I see him.
CODY
Bailey, I’ve been faithful to you. It’s not my way to be a cheat. Not after seven years.
BAILEY
If you do I don’t want to know about it. Too many relationships have floundered on the pretense of honesty.
CODY
I just thought one of the points of being a lover was to have sex. A point I thought was… well taken! Besides that, they repeat those Biographys every thirty minutes. It’s not even over in Anchorage and they start it up again in Newfoundland.
BAILEY
Oh, my God!
CODY
What? I haven’t heard you say that in awhile.
BAILEY
I have missed the first five minutes.
CODY
So I forgive you.
BAILEY
Rula might not.
CODY
Height of her career? Is she even still alive?
BAILEY
Actually, she’s been narrating a series of books on tape. I’ve been listening to them in the car on the way to work. Pure, unadulterated Rula. Me… and Rula… alone… on Northern Lights Boulevard. Now I gotta go watch TV.
CODY
Fine. I’m going to bed. If you hear anything untoward, it’ll be me screaming my own name. (exit)
BAILEY
Cody! It’ll be okay! (somewhere offstage a door should slam.)
