Empty Closets brings together three men and three women in a "Coming Out Workshop" where in a safe environment, they bare their hearts and souls to discuss the challenges and problems they had when coming out! But how safe is it? What if everyone there isn't really gay? What if you like someone there a lot more than you're willing to let on? What if someone responds to your heartfelt story with an "ew?"
"Remember when you caught you with a Playboy? You were reading the articles!"
You'll meet Tyler, who enjoys coming out so much, he does it again, again, and again. And Joey, who finds that most folks are too wrapped up in their own lives to worry about his sexuality. Then, take a trip with Claire to the "Lesbian Owned Coffee House," where she gets a crash course in 'how to be a lesbian', but can't for the life of her land a cup of coffee. Empty Closets lampoons some of the sacred cows of the gay community and eventually ask the question: Is it really the outside world we're so afraid of, or more the world within ourselves? Sure, it's a comedy, but will everybody's story have a happy ending?
Empty Closets was produced in June, 1998, at St. Louis PrideFest, and has roles for three men and three women. During the course of the play, many of the performers get to play several other smaller "character roles. "
Empty Closets was produced by Snap! Productions of Omaha, Nebraska as part of Snap!Fest 99, a festival of new works. The play was nominated for "outstanding one act" by Omaha's Theater Arts Guild.
(Open with everyone onstage, preferably seated, as LAURA, the moderator, addresses the group. Don’t, however, keep them seated too long. Another way of starting out is having the seminar participants enter one by one, looking each other over and figuring out the best place to sit. Since these people don’t know each other, they’re at first reasonably nervous)
LAURA
My name is Laura, and I want to thank you all for coming out to my Coming Out Workshop. As I explained previously, I wanted us to meet together as a group to tell our stories and discuss how it has affected our lives, for the better, or for the worse. I think the coming out process is a much more important part of a gay person’s life than most of us think. First off, I think we should all introduce ourselves and get to know each other a little. Let’s start with you.
JOEY
(a little nervous, but obviously not nervous enough) My name is Joey Goldenstein, and I’m gay, and I’m Jewish, and I really find it hard to combine the diverse quality of those two oppressed ethnic groups into one functional persona.
LAURA
(cheery) Well, that’s too much information! Next?
CLAIRE
I’m Claire, and I majored in French, and I’ve always found the coming out process very interesting, so I wanted to compare stories of other gay people to see if they had an experience similar to mine.
TYLER
If I had an experience similar to yours I’d be straight!
LAURA
(making do, but still cheery) Okay, I see we have grounds for some conflict here. That’s good. That’s a good thing. I think. Well who are you?
TYLER
I’m Tyler Carter, and I think that gay men really don’t understand what it means to be in love, and it’s up to me to teach them.
JOEY
On a case by case basis?
TYLER
You think you’re so funny.
JOEY
No, you are. You just told everyone you’re a slut.
LAURA
Next!
CHEYENNE
My name is Cheyenne, like Wyoming, but I don’t come from Wyoming, and in fact I prefer to think of Wyoming as a state of mind. I want to be a singer, and people tell me if I just practice and practice… and practice, maybe I’ll get somewhere with it. Why don’t I sing something for you right now and see what you think! (everyone looks at her in hopes she won’t, she shrugs, there’s a bit of an uncomfortable [but humorous] silence.)
PACK
(pause) I’m Pack.
TYLER
Like Green Bay?
PACK
I’m Pack. That’s enough.
TYLER
Oh good, the recalcitrant one with the bad attitude who’s going to change and grow by the end of the meeting. This is so sitcom! Well I think you’re cute.
PACK
Thanks, I think so too.
LAURA
Well I don’t think we need to… attack each other with too much personal anxiety in the first few minutes. Let’s get to know each other better through telling our stories. I suggest we just dive right in and see what we get. Who wants to start? (silence) Who wants to start? Okay.. nobody’s talking, meeting’s adjourned. You’re obviously much too well adjusted to benefit from anything I have to offer.
TYLER
No! That’s not why we came here! We’re shy. We’re just afraid that our stories are going to be really stupid and he’s (PACK) going to put them down.
LAURA
Why him?
TYLER
Because he looks like it! Because I couldn’t bear it if he would reject me. Or my story.
PACK
(after a pause, looks sideways at TYLER) Ew.
JOEY
Did you just say ew?
PACK
Well he deserves it!
JOEY
Okay. That just means you’re one of us, despite the gruff exterior. The aura is destroyed. I’m comfortable.
LAURA
Ok. Since you’re so comfortable, Joey, we’ll start with you. Then we’ll just flow.
CLAIRE
You can flow. I have a pad.
LAURA
Uh, let’s hear what Joey has to say.
JOEY
(a little nervous, but he gets comfortable eventually) I had a horrible experience coming out, actually.
LAURA
What was wrong?
JOEY
Well, nobody cared.
LAURA
How awful!
JOEY
It was. It was Coming Out Day, last year, so I was planning to tell everybody! Like the poster said. (TYLER exits, to come back as the cashier; CHEYENNE exits, to come back later as Sis.)
PACK
Oh? Who didn’t already know?
JOEY
(Goes to him affectionately.) If I was a psychic I bet I’d know that you had an eenie-weenie weenie. Updating the world on my sexuality turned into an all day event. First thing, I told the cashier at the grocery store.
TYLER
(as cashier, they pantomime exchanging goods and money) That’ll be forty seven fifty-two, please.
JOEY
Here’s sixty. Oh, and by the way…
TYLER
Yes? Something else I can help you with?
JOEY
I’m gay. Can you help me with that?
TYLER
No! It’s still forty seven fifty two! You want a discount ’cause you chaw the sausage?
JOEY
No, I just want you to accept me as I am.
TYLER
Frankly, I wish you people would just go away.
JOEY
Someone needs a course in sensitivity training with that bitchslap attitude.
TYLER
It’s no attitude. All I want to do is stand here and make change, and I’ve had fifteen people come up to me this morning and tell me they’re gay.
JOEY
It’s important for us. It’s Coming Out Day, and we want people to know. It makes us feel more comfortable with ourselves.
TYLER
I’m not comfortable with it. I wouldn’t go around telling people I’m gay.
JOEY
You wouldn’t have to!
TYLER
You probably want me, that’s all this is.
JOEY
That’s right. You people think all of us want all of you. Like I bought these thirty dollars worth of condoms just so I could ask you over for the weekend! I just want you to realize that it’s okay to be gay. Both of us need to learn to accept it, to be honest.
TYLER
I don’t have to accept diddly squat poop! All I want to do is ring you out. Everybody’s coming up to me confessing their sexuality, which as far as I’m concerned has absolutely nothing to do with the price of milk, cheese, or a banana.
JOEY
(turns it over in his head) Milk, it might. Cheese, not if you’re Jewish. Banana, definitely.
TYLER
It doesn’t matter. I’m still straight.
PACK
He’s still a liar. (exit)
TYLER
(blowing up) We keep quiet about it! We don’t go broadcasting it all over the place! We don’t have marches running around proclaiming we’re straight! We don’t spend every other Monday night planning a straight pride weekend!
JOEY
Yes you do. It’s called a Klan rally.
TYLER
(Kisses Joey) There! Is that enlightened enough? I’ve had to kiss at least a dozen guys today just to keep the line moving!. Now get out so I can wait on that nice gentleman behind you.
